21 March – 20 April
You struggle to get over the time you lost, being fooled by Jennifer Lopez’s rocks.
21 April – 21 May
Today in alternative facts; you’re a good person.
May 21 – June 20
No horoscope for you this week, you don’t deserve it.
June 21 – July 22
OK ,so when a fox knocks over someone’s bin and sends rubbish all around the estate, that’s just a fox being a fox, but when you do it, you’re a prick? Unfair.
July 23 – August 22
You can’t wait for Lego Schindler’s List, the trailers look hilarious.
August 23 – September 22
Tonight is the night the monsters under your bed finally eat you.
September 23 – October 22
You continue to be the best disappointment your parents ever had.
October 23 – November 21
You’re pretty sure that you stumbled on the cure for cancer while out drinking last night, but you’re fucked if you can remember it now.
November 22 – December 21
“Well, that went well” you say to yourself sarcastically, after literally everything you try to do.
December 22 – January 19
You remain a ticking timebomb of mediocrity.
January 20 – February 18
As a tall, handsome stranger, people are delighted to meet you.
February 19 – March 20
SPOILER: This just isn’t your week, champ.
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