WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
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taurus
21 April – 21 May
Hungover after three cans? You need to work on your tolerance.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You’d have a much better chance of being on Winning Streak if you ever sent in your three stars.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You update your Adobe Flash player after 18 months of daily reminders. The difference is not noticeable.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You get that bug that is going round, at last. You were beginning to think that bug thought it was too good for you, or something.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
The kid up the road sticks his hand in the oven, and you must admit it looked pretty cool. Maybe give it a go yourself, when you get home.
libra
September 23 – October 22
We’re not angry, we’re just very disappointed in you.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Someone records over the video that you had written ‘do not tape over this’ on. Do people have no decency anymore?
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You meet a tall dark stranger, and hold onto your phone tightly, you big racist.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You remain fairly certain that you could fight a bear and win.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Do you have enough cats? Sure go on, get one more.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You put your clocks back a week early, just to be a fucking rebel.