WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

We’re sorry, but this horoscope is not available in your country.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Hungover after three cans? You need to work on your tolerance.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’d have a much better chance of being on Winning Streak if you ever sent in your three stars.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You update your Adobe Flash player after 18 months of daily reminders. The difference is not noticeable.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You get that bug that is going round, at last. You were beginning to think that bug thought it was too good for you, or something.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

The kid up the road sticks his hand in the oven, and you must admit it looked pretty cool. Maybe give it a go yourself, when you get home.

libra

September 23 – October 22

We’re not angry, we’re just very disappointed in you. 

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone records over the video that you had written ‘do not tape over this’ on. Do people have no decency anymore?

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You meet a tall dark stranger, and hold onto your phone tightly, you big racist.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You remain fairly certain that you could fight a bear and win.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Do you have enough cats? Sure go on, get one more.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You put your clocks back a week early, just to be a fucking rebel. 

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