WATERFORD UNDER ATTACK! 700 Starbucks Cafes Open Overnight!


THE proud county of Waterford has appealed for international military intervention after a fresh Starbucks insurgency resulted in the opening of 700 cafes overnight.

The coffee giant opened its first outlet in Waterford just days ago without any planning permission and has sought to consolidate its control over parts of the Déise by blanket bombing streets with an additional 700 outlets.

“I was out grabbing the paper this morning, but all the shops had been replaced by Starbucks, it was terrifying, the place is swamped with teenagers spending €6 on some shite called a Frappuccino,” local resident Marty Collen shared with WWN.

Despite only paying just north of €4,000 in corporation tax in 2014, the struggling business managed to finance the construction of 700 new outlets in Waterford, but few locals see the positive effects.

“The fuckers built a cafe in my gaff while I was sleeping upstairs boi,” one irate local Ciaran Nealon explained to WWN, as he tried to break up a queue for coffee in what was once his kitchen.

Mr. Nealon is just one of thousands of Waterford residents to be affected by Starbucks’s lax attitude to planning law. An elderly woman was hospitalised this morning after the US cafe chain built a two-storey cafe on her back as she took her dog for a walk.

Starbucks issued an official statement in response to the controversy, stating “and what are you going to do about it?”