IN what is only the second list of its kind, all 3.17 billion users of the internet have been consulted in an effort to produce the definitive list of things you’re not allowed to joke about.

The lengthy and often contentious process involved consulting all users of the internet, with each individual encouraged to list the items, people, concepts, nouns, nations, places and things they deem to be beyond use in the comedic field of joke telling.

Construction and execution of jokes had been carried out in the past by trained professionals, but several thousand years ago the industry collapsed, leaving it to all of mankind to come up with jokes, leading to some unsavoury episodes.

“We’ve tried to listen to everybody’s opinion, and with comedy being objective we’ve narrowed down the subject matter and concepts to an acceptable number,” Harry Paulson, head of compiling the list told WWN earlier today.

Reproduced below is a partial list of the things people are not permitted to joke about:

Rape

Murder

Incest

People who push doors despite there being a clearly marked ‘pull’ sign on it

Pregnant squirrels

Wednesdays

Euro Millions lotto (the Friday draw only)

Taylor Swift

People who struggle to open jars of food

Brad Pitt

Disabilites

Michael D’Arcy from Clonmel and his massive ears

Abilities

Mind-reading abilities

Children

My efforts at painting

Overweight people

The word cucumber

Actual cucumbers

Famine

The people of East Timor

Race

Formula One Racing

Actually, all forms of race and, additionally, racing

Tim Henman’s failure to reach a Wimbledon final

Comedy

Beyonce

When women try to dance like Beyonce

Prostitution

When Rose let go of Jack at the end of Titanic

The Titanic disaster

Premature ejaculation

Mature ejaculation

Classical music

The fact the inventor of the Segway died while driving his Segway off a cliff

Princess Diana

The 18th Century

Marty Morrissey

Overweight pugs

Pornography

The elderly

Pornography specifically produced with an elderly audience in mind

James Dean

Dean Martin

Martin McGuinness

The secrets Gerry Adams keeps in his beard

Breastfeeding

World War II

The war that happened before World War II

GAA

and 133 million other items which have been indexed here.