Aries March 21 – April 19
Oh no, someone hacked your Twitter and posted a load of racist and misogynistic garbage! Don’t those hackers have anything better to do?
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Having put up enough of a fight, you decide to pay your water charges. You’ve shown them who’s boss, no sense in overdoing it.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Like Martin Luther King, you too have a dream. Except your dream is about a giant picking you up by the ankle and eating you like a prawn.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
It still counts as exercise even if you’re just walking to Spar for a chicken fillet roll.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Typical! You get mugged on the one day, the one day you leave your gun at home.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You will meet a tall, dark stranger, seconds before he is shot by the cops.
Libra September 23 – October 22
It’s becoming more and more apparent that you suffered several undiagnosed concussions throughout your life. On the plus side: there is no plus side.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
You Scorpios are all the same, you make us sick! Our mother was right about you, we should have listened!
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
That Chinese was pretty dodgy last night, maybe don’t trust your farts for the next hour.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
It’s been 14 years, you’re probably OK to tell that 9/11 joke you’ve been sitting on all this time.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Go get us a cup of tea while you’re at nothing.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Even though you claim to have been the first person to ever call McDonald’s “Micky D’s”, you have yet to see a penny from it. Bastards!