Aries March 21 – April 19

Oh no, someone hacked your Twitter and posted a load of racist and misogynistic garbage! Don’t those hackers have anything better to do?

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Having put up enough of a fight, you decide to pay your water charges. You’ve shown them who’s boss, no sense in overdoing it.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Like Martin Luther King, you too have a dream. Except your dream is about a giant picking you up by the ankle and eating you like a prawn.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

It still counts as exercise even if you’re just walking to Spar for a chicken fillet roll.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Typical! You get mugged on the one day, the one day you leave your gun at home.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You will meet a tall, dark stranger, seconds before he is shot by the cops.

Libra September 23 – October 22

It’s becoming more and more apparent that you suffered several undiagnosed concussions throughout your life. On the plus side: there is no plus side.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You Scorpios are all the same, you make us sick! Our mother was right about you, we should have listened!

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

That Chinese was pretty dodgy last night, maybe don’t trust your farts for the next hour.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

It’s been 14 years, you’re probably OK to tell that 9/11 joke you’ve been sitting on all this time.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Go get us a cup of tea while you’re at nothing.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Even though you claim to have been the first person to ever call McDonald’s “Micky D’s”, you have yet to see a penny from it. Bastards!