WWN Horoscope


Aries March 21 – April 19

Control + C last week. Control + V: that’s this week.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Wait, what are you doing here? You died last week! Didn’t you? Hang on… oh, right, sorry. That’s this week.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Dude. Your Christmas lights. It’s fucking July, man.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Maybe someone wants to listen to your bullshit, just nobody around here. Keep walking pal.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Wow, your wife sure does love working out with her new fitness instructor. She doesn’t seem to be losing any weight, but she probably just needs to spend every evening with him like she’s been doing for the last four months.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Someone will click their fingers this week and you’ll realise that you’ve lived the past four years under a hypnotic trance after going to that magic show in the pub.

Libra September 23 – October 22

You don’t have a gun to bring to work, but walking around the office pretending you do while yelling PAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPA will get you fired just as quickly.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Oh, yes. They all come crawling back. There’s no sign of them at the minute, but we’re sure they’ll be along again soon.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

That TV show you like? CANCELLED. That band you like? BROKE UP. That restaurant you loved to eat at? CONDEMNED. Those internal organs you need to live? RIDDLED WITH DISEASE.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Bet you thought we forgot you, eh? Of course we didn’t! Ha ha ha ha! C’mere!

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Sure, right now it looks like the scribblings of a madman, but give it a few years. They’ll know. They’ll ALL know.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

It isn’t raining on you because you lied when you were 17. You live in a rainy country.  Get over yourself.