Aries March 21 – April 19
This week you will mostly contemplate building the world’s largest toilet for no reason in particular.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Uranus descends as Mercury rises which leads to Saturn doing a U-turn after Neptune combines closer to Jupiter to pull in the Earth’s moon to a place of hope. It’s fairly straightforward, actually.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
This week you will mostly be jealous of that kid across the road who is tearing it around on his tricycle. Jesus Martin, what’s wrong with you? You’re 35 you can buy your own bike you know that, don’t you?
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week you will cling to the idea that you are just four thousand one hundred and thirty seven lucky breaks away from leaving your job as a receptionist at the local doctors to world famous super stardom.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Why get mad when you can get murderous rage. Although seven full steps above ‘mad’, murderous rage is wholly achievable, dream big, shit in your boss’s desk drawer.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Oh, this week is big and I mean BIG. Colin in accounting winks at you during lunch one day and that should keep you going for a good month of masturbating. Makes a nice change from that memory of him with his top two buttons on his shirt lying open.
Libra September 23 – October 22
I’m not saying it will be a bad week, but it’s time to write up that will.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Due to budget cuts this week’s Scorpio will not appear.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Blue is your lucky colour which is just as well because thanks to an accident at Woodies DIY you will be covered in blue paint. I don’t think it’s toxic, but just to be on the safe side head to A&E.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Pisces is on your side when it comes to love, trust everything she says.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This year has been tough so far, but that’s reason to be down. Look ahead to a brighter week in which you only soil yourself twice after excessive bouts of drinking. No, I can’t even spin this into something positive, you need help.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
This week you sleep with Capricorn’s boyfriend, might be a good idea to tell her to leave him.