WWN Horoscopes
Aries March 21 – April 19
You continue to take cocaine this week, even though it makes you nervous and in need of a crap every four minutes. Why do you bother?
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Lots of bad shit happening for you this week. Why did your parents have you at this time of year, seriously. If you’d been a Gemini, you’d be grand.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You’re grand.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Caught singing along to Taylor Swift, scarlet for you.
Leo July 23 – August 22
You do a massive poop and you really wish you had someone in your life that you could share this information with.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You weren’t thinking about camels, but you are now.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Introducing new Libra Zero: everything about your life, except all the shit bits.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Smiling and nodding has gotten you this far, but pretty soon these cops are going to want an answer.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You find a penny, pick it up, and get hit by a car.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Nice hairdo, asshole! Ha ha ha!
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Quit buying shit you see on the telly at four in the morning.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Have you paid your Irish Water bill? If not, you can pay online, or at your local post office.
Horoscope sponsored by Irish Water PLC
