“But Alternative Parade Route Wouldn’t Allow Us To Pointlessly Create Tensions” Orange Order Confirm

RESPONDING THE ongoing impasse created by the Parades Commission granting the Orange Order permission to march down the Garvaghy Road in Armagh and resulting protest by the local residents, the Orange Order has explained how bereft they are at how things have turned out.

“But this is why I got into the marching game, to have people scream and shout obscenities at me as I antagonise them, I can’t get my marching baton up otherwise, it just doesn’t work marching in an area where I’m welcome,” explained one Orange Order member.

“More than community, more than celebrating a Dutch king for winning a war against an English king, marching is about needlessly ratcheting up tensions and trying to undo 28 years of hard fought for peace. And if I can’t undo all that, then what’s the point of marching,” added another fully grown adult man in ceremonial costume fully prepared to collapse the peace process over a 300-metre stretch of a walk.

Sources close to WWN shared that initial negotiations to bring an end to the tensions failed after the Orange Order declined to imagine a scenario in which they were not ‘massive belligerent pricks’ while First Minister Michelle O’Neill’s offer of making things worse did not have the desired effect of ending the disharmony.

However, it’s not all bad news as the Parade Commission has got some consultancy work advising South Africa on the merits of reintroducing Apartheid.

Meanwhile, the Northern Ireland secretary Chris Bryant has continued his calls for ‘calm’ in the clearest indication yet that he has only just learned of the existence of Northern Ireland in the last 48 hours or so.

UPDATE: Incredible scenes emerging just now as after another pop-up secret U2 gig, this time in Portadown, nationalists and Orange men agreed to walk hand-in-hand down the Garvaghy Road if Bono would stop singing.