Hand Drying Gestures To Pretend You Washed Your Hands After Leaving A Public Toilet
As men, we all know the truth: we don’t really need to wash our hands after going to the toilet. But for some reason, women insist we do – citing so-called disproved pseudo-science ‘hygiene’ concerns, which we all know are just thinly veiled control tactics designed to shame us in our natural, piss-soaked state.
Thankfully, WWN has devised a few expert-level hand-drying gestures to help you fool the women in your life into thinking you’ve been a good little boy.
1. Rubbing Hands on Your Pants
Let’s face it – wetting your hands is a chore when you’ve got fresh pints waiting at the bar. So here’s the move: zip up, skip the sink, make a pit stop at the hand dryer. Wave your hands around near it so it sounds like you’re drying them. Then walk out confidently and subtly wipe your totally dry, totally unwashed hands on your jeans. This comforting gesture signals to nearby women that everything’s been taken care of. Crisis averted.
2. Ask the Bar Staff for Some Blue Roll
This is a genius double-play. Head straight from the toilet to the bar and ask for some blue roll to “dry your hands.” Not only does this convince the missus that you washed up, it also says, “I don’t trust those dodgy bathroom dryers.” The medical look of blue roll even gives you a kind of “off-duty doctor” vibe – a woman’s fantasy. You’re basically a surgeon now, except instead of saving lives, you’re ordering four Jägerbombs.
3. The COVID Sanitise Classic
Nothing says “germ-conscious” like the nostalgic hand-rub of pandemic days. As you exit the toilet, vigorously rub your hands together like you’re sanitising them. Bonus points if you give them a quick sniff and mutter, “Still smells like hospital-grade alcohol.” Mention how the toilet still has the old 2-metre distancing signs up and wax poetic about how clean everything was during lockdown. Hygiene theatre and wistful reflection? Chef’s kiss.
Brave journalism like this comes at a price, and that price is giving our class merch a gander HERE and spreading the word about our online shop!