Manchester United To Be Sold For Scrap

IN THE WAKE of recent events the decision has been made to strip Manchester United football club down to its constituent parts, assess each asset’s value and sell them to the highest bidder as the entity has long ceased to function as intended, WWN Sports understands.

“There comes a time when you’ve just got to move on and accept maybe it isn’t meant to be,” confirmed a representative from a financial services subsidiary of INEOS hired to assess and value various pieces of Manchester United now that it is clear it isn’t a football club anymore.

“That training ground will be of great use to a club with a functional squad that can play football, and those trophies can be melted down and would make a lovely cutlery set that could fetch a few bob on Antiques Roadshow, my only regret over this whole thing is how it’s everyone else’s fault,” confirmed part owner of United, Jim Ratcliffe.

While the decision to end Manchester United will come as a great relief to the overworked and exhausted therapists of United fans, the liquidation of the club is expected to lead to the loss of 5,000 jobs in the ‘ex-United players losing their shit over the latest result on their podcasts’ industry.

Similarly an estimated 400 jobs will be lost now that ex-players will no longer have the chance to be temporarily stand in as a transition manager for several games.

“Save him from the glue factory for just five quid guys, come on, have a heart,” Ratcliffe said as he tried to flog Diego Dalot from on top a bulldozer headed for Old Trafford.

Obey! Consume! Prop up capitalism by buying some WWN merch here www.waterfordwhispers.shop