Washington D.C Crime Levels Plunge As Notorious Criminal Leaves For Alaska

THE RELIEF on the streets of Washington D.C is palpable as the edginess which has been in place since January this year has disappeared as the US capital’s most notorious criminal has left town for the day.

“Look, any day a guy who has 34 felony convictions, was found liable for sexual assault and was best friends with Jeffrey Epstein is out of town, is a good day for public safety. This is going to really help bring our crime stats down, this guy is a one-man crime spree,” confirmed Sergeant Helena Williams.

D.C police officers say they too feel a lot safer now that the man who pardoned several hundred convicted rioters for their part in assaulting police officers on the 6th of January 2021 at the Capitol is in Alaska.

While the National Guard had been deployed to the streets of D.C, they are expected to be transferred to Alaska to monitor the world famous crime committer. Whether they can act before he sells Ukraine to a Russian war criminal is unclear.

“With this felon out of the town, there’s a high chance we’ll have a lot fewer calls about a person committing stuff like ‘vandalising the constitution’, ‘suspending the rights of people’, ‘illegally deporting US citizens’, ‘bribery and corruption on a mass scale’. Who knows I might get home to my husband before 10pm tonight,” added Sergeant Williams.

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