Delusional Man With Zero Experience Thinks He Can Run Restaurant
BUSINESSMAN Jimmy Kent, a self-declared expert in empire-building, has generously decided to bestow his vast knowledge and razor-sharp acumen upon the world of hospitality. The semi-retiree recently purchased a struggling local pub and restaurant, determined to show all the ‘losers’ who failed before him how it’s really done.
“How hard can it be?” laughed Jimmy, brushing off concerns from friends and family as he poured money into refurbishments and staffing his dream bar. “I just love a good challenge,” he added, blissfully unaware of the actual challenges awaiting him in 2020s Ireland.
“I will say, I never realised how annoying chefs are,” he confessed after firing his third head chef in as many months for the heinous crime of offering culinary input. “Who are they to tell me what should be on the menu? If I want bangers and mash, just cook the thing – that’s your fucking job! I’m the boss here.”
Months later, now questioning utility bills, commercial rates, and rising staff wages while staring into the abyss of an empty bar, Jimmy conceded he hadn’t fully anticipated the overheads. Still, he insisted, the business would soon turn a corner.
“Any day now and we’ll be raking it in,” he claimed, placing his hopes in word-of-mouth while ignoring repeated staff pleas to embrace social media. “God, these young people think they know it all. I remember before social media and pubs were booming. I’m a successful businessman – I know best.”
Placing the latest brown envelope from Revenue onto a growing pile of unopened mail, Kent, now 18 months into his venture, cited a long list of external obstacles for his troubles – none of which included his own ego or inability to listen.
“It was just bad timing, really. And you just can’t get proper staff these days,” he said, lying through his teeth to the next poor soul taking the keys to the restaurant.
We design & sell funny t-shirts, mugs, hoodies and more to help keep the lights on. Check them out here www.waterfordwhispers.shop