Day One Of The Diddy Trial, As Told By Coworker Who Will Believe Anything On The Internet
A HIGH profile trial detailing the shocking crimes of a serial abuser should give victims long-fought for justice but in the case of Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs’s trial, it chiefly provides office worker Jen Fagan a chance to keep her coworkers up to date on every tidbit she’s read on Reddit and TikTok.
Relying on a number of sources such as ‘think I remember seeing a screenshot of it somewhere’ and ‘it’s on Tiktok, they wouldn’t let anything untrue on there’, Fagan has taken it on herself to let everyone in the canteen at lunch in on what’s really going on. WWN has collected a selection of her fact-checked claims below:
“You know Barack Obama was his butler in the early 90s? And then he’s suddenly president? Hmmm, think about that one”.
“This isn’t even about abuse, this is about oil prices. They found vast oil reserves under one of Diddy’s houses. And out of nowhere, bam! These so-called ‘allegations”.
“You’ve seen the photos that a 90-year-old with dementia could tell is AI, right? Well, I think those photos prove beyond any doubt Diddy was a Mossad agent”.
“Sting set him up, as revenge for never paying for the rights to ‘Every Breath You Take’. What, don’t believe me? Okay, I’m going to send you this 5 hour breakdown of it all on YouTube”.
“Jennifer Lopez is behind this. Convenient isn’t it, all this trial stuff takes the heat off her divorce from Ben Affleck. No such thing as a coincidence”.
“He paid Tom Hanks to do the hit on Tupac and Biggie”.
“The baby oil thing is just a distraction, this all because Big Almond Oil and Big Shea Butter wanted to ruin their rivals, and take full control of the market. And you sheep are falling for it”.
“You ever see those colour blind number test thing. You connect the dots, and they form a number… think about it”.
His bodyguard was Faheem Muhammad. He was a bodyguard for? That’s right, Michael Jackson. And his surname was Muhammad which means… Osama Bin Laden killed Michael Jackson”.
“He’s about to blow the whole adrenachrome stuff wide open but they’re trying to stop him. Is it any wonder when I use Chrome browser to search Diddy’s name, the only stuff that comes up about him is negative stuff?”
“Trump is going to pardon him because Diddy is threatening to release a hip-hop album Trump recorded in the early 90s, and apparently it’s really bad”.
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