Trump Says Zelensky Ready To Give Up Crimea After Forcing Him To Play Rock, Paper, Scissors

DECLARING it “the art of the deal at its absolute finest,” US President Donald Trump announced that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has agreed to surrender Crimea to Russia after losing a game of rock, paper, scissors at the Vatican.

“He threw scissors like a total amateur – very sad – and I crushed him with rock,” said Trump, who insisted the Ukrainian President sit down with him after the Pope’s funeral on Saturday to play what he said was a game of ‘pure American skill’.

“He said, ‘Oh no, Mr. Trump, please best two out of three’ but I said ‘No way’. One rock, total victory. Honestly, he should be thanking me for letting him keep the rest of Ukraine. Tremendous generosity.”

When pressed for evidence of the agreement, Trump held up what appeared to be a Pope funeral mass card with “I GIVE UP CRIMEA – LOVE, ZEL” scrawled in a thick black permanent marker. However, legal experts immediately questioned the document’s legitimacy, noting the signature was in English and written in what appeared to be Trump’s infamous elongated handwriting.

Meanwhile, the Kremlin praised the development, with Vladimir Putin reportedly celebrating by challenging Ursula von der Leyen to a game of ‘Russian Roulette’ for control of the Baltic states.

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