Trump Reassures Americans That Cheap Chinese Made Goods Will Now Be Made By US Child Slave Labour

DESPITE the turmoil his one-man trade war is causing in the domestic economy, US president Donald Trump has reassured Americans that he knows exactly how to replace the vast quantites of cheap Chinese goods that Americans consume.

“You’re probably thinking ‘but if this mass production of cheap goods is to be transplanted back to America we’d have to suffer a drop in wages and working conditions’, but there’s a beautiful phrase, some say the most beautiful… child salve labour.’Bring it back’ the people are shouting. Kids don’t need money so they’ll work for free. And what about those tiny hands? People have been saying wow, what tiny hands these kids have, perfect for making those very affordable gadgets, which are all computer,” Trump articulated, before asking his supporters to patriotically donate their children to the production lines.

“My good friend, Kid Rock, you don’t get called ‘Kid’ unless you know about children, it’s a protected term like Dr or Dietician, he’s a real child, Kiddie Rock says it’s a great idea” added Trump outlining a persuasive vision of an economy run on the free labour of kids.

With US bond markets taking an unprecedented hit, signalling the world has lost all financial confidence in the US economy, it is this sort of coherent vision from Trump that will help economy regain a steady footing.

“You know me, I said I’d Make America Great Again, and when was it great before? No, not the 80s anymore because that old video of Ronald Regan saying tariffs are stupid is going viral, I of course mean the 1920s, when the people were in black and white but mostly white, the children worked in the factories, people died of diseases they shouldn’t have, RFK Jr is tremendous on this, and even the Depression was great, we’re bringing it all back,” concluded Trump.

Asked if putting children to work on an industrial scale is legal, US Attorney General Pam Bondi confirmed “c’mon, as if saying stuff like ‘is it legal?’ matters anymore”.

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