TMZ Reporter Inconsolable Over Fact Val Kilmer Died Of Natural Causes

A TMZ reporter is said to be enduring ‘the worst day of their life’ after being robbed of a chance to bribe a paramedic, medical examiner or cop for crime scene photos or autopsy results.

“It’s on days like these, when the relatives of a famous person know a loved one has passed before TMZ does, I really hate my job. Gah, is there anything worse than famous people dying of natural causes surrounded by loved ones?” complained TMZ reporter Jen Shillings, unable to squeeze salacious exploitative details from the passing of Val Kilmer, had throat cancer, from pneumonia at 65.

“I fucking hate this world, where’s a car crash or murder when you need one,” said Shillings crying, barely able to read through her tears and see the responses to recent emails she sent out to in-patient drug treatment facilities looking for dirt in exchange for cash.

Shillings said that while she could quickly cobble together a ‘dating life, controversies, net worth, bullshit “haunting last post”‘ article it wouldn’t give her the same buzz that comes with posting celebrity death news before loved ones are even informed.

Despite the frustration of a beloved actor passing away from natural causes, Shillings was cheered up considerably by colleagues who reminded her with morbid delight “there’s that whole Justin Bieber stuff going on”.

Elsewhere, movie fans are mourning the death of Iceman/Doc Holliday/Batman/Jim Morrison/Madmartigan/Ponytail guy from Heat whose name doesn’t immediately come to mind/Gay Perry.