Zelensky Yearns For Good Old Days When He Simply Played Piano With Penis For A Living

UKRAINIAN President Volodymyr Zelensky looked vacantly through a sea of international press photographers and journalists yearning for days gone by when he played the Jewish classic ‘Hava Nagila’ on a piano with his penis for a living, wondering where it all went so horribly wrong.

“I’d give anything to beat those ivory keys with my manhood right now instead of leaving the fate of our nation to foreign superpowers hellbent on making lucrative deals for themselves with Ukrainian territory,” the 47-year-old thought to himself as he was bombarded with multiple questions relating to news of ‘peace talks’ between Russia and the US.

Humming the familiar folk piece in his head, Volodymyr insisted that Ukraine will not agree to any peace deal proposed by the US and Russia without its involvement, knowing full well his words will land on deaf ears, with his role as ‘president’ currently holding even less importance now than the pianist role he played in 2016.

“Maybe if I did the piano act again today as president wearing this stupid khaki t-shirt they make me wear, then everyone might actually listen to me?” he pondered to himself, cracking a rare chuckle, imagining the uproar such a performance would cause mid-NATO conference while he asked for more military aid.

“I’d probably play something more suitable for the times like the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme, or the Imperial March – God help us all,” he blessed himself and whatever is left of Ukraine.