Everything You Need To Know About Natalie Harp

CURRENTLY the most talked about person in US politics, aide to President Trump Natalie Harp is one of his closest confidantes and most loyal supporters.

Is it true she’s written gushing and fawning letters declaring her unending devotion to him? That she is tasked with printing out positive stories about the president to show him? Or that she was one of the very lucky few smuggled off a recent Air Force One flight with the president onto another plane amid fears the Iranian military would target Air Force One? Here’s everything you need to know about Natalie Harp:

Trump hears the cascading dreamlike sound of a harp every time she enters the room.

Harp worked at White House for a year without security clearance, prompting more questions as to how Trump has stayed alive this long.

Tasked with printing out positive stories about president Trump, environmentalists hold Harp responsible for using enough paper to destroy a small branch on a sapling.

Saw Eminem’s ‘Stan’ more as an instruction manual.

Has directly told Trump she wished she was young enough to be trafficked to the president by Jeffrey Epstein but has had to settle for a job of White House aide.

Favourite to win gold at the Ass-kissing world championships 2026.

Will be played by Glenn Close in inevitable movie version of her time with Trump.

As reported by CNN, Harp once rode in the boot of an SUV to accompany Trump, which is Trump’s favourite way to transport women.

Was given the nickname ‘the human printer’, marking her out from another close associate of the president ‘the human toilet’ Stephen Miller.

Harp possesses a love for Trump that transcends having to change his adult diapers between diarrhoea incidents.

Ivanka Trump periodically breaks into the Trump family safe to double check she hasn’t been replaced by Harp in the family will.

Harp writes letters to Trump that make your childhood post-Gaeltacht letters to your first boyfriend look like War and Peace by comparison.

It’s fun and all to see these letters leaked but would it be too much to ask for someone to leak the Epstein files instead?

Won’t even get a decent reference for her next job.