Plans Revealed For Kerry Now A Healy-Rae Is A Government Minister

THE SENSATIONAL NEWS that Michael Healy-Rae is to be handed a junior minister role as part of a deal to form the next government was overshadowed by the loud, unmistakable earth-shifting sounds of the immediate commencement of huge construction in the Kerry area.

Just what sort of deal has the new Junior Minister for Kerry Pothole Repair secured for the Kingdom? Waterford Whispers News reveals all:

A new terminal at Dublin Airport with a walkway connecting directly to Killarney.

Each newborn in Kerry is to be given a ‘baby bundle box’ containing a lifetime supply of turf.

A €1bn fund to establish a centre of scientific research in rural Kerry aimed at developing the world’s first self-drink driving car.

This is alongside an ambitious program to transfer much of the German autobahn network to Kerry.

An increase in the money paid to Kerry based hotels housing Ukrainian refugees.

The removal of the requirement for Kerry TDs to list the properties they own and rent in the Dáil’s register of interests.

The construction of a pipeline which would carry Department of Agriculture funding, depositing directly into Kerry immediately.

The construction of one additional social housing unit by end of 2040. Viewed by many as too ambitious.

Kerry-wide price freeze on a pint of Guinness at €3. 100% import tariffs for all counties importing Kerry Gold butter.

While Deputy Stand-in Back-up Junior Minister for Kerry Potholes Danny Healy-Rae doesn’t believe in climate change, the brothers have secured a 9 degree temperature increase for Kerry during the summer months.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s transfer from Al-Nassar to Kerry FC to be subsidised by the taxpayer.

Funding secured for the replacement of the recently collapsed roof at the Tralee Regional Sports and Leisure Complex. The project will be overseen by Healy-Rae Structural Engineers (no relation), liaising with Healy-Rae Construction (no relation), and the roof will be replacement by an 80,000 capacity Olympic-grade stadium.

Any individual who may have been convicted of assault, who at the time shouted ‘this is my town!’ to have their records expunged.

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