“I’m Too Old And Rich To Be Righteous Anymore” – Bono

IRISH singer-songwriter and former activist Bono clasped his hands and prayed to whatever God he worships these days while receiving the US Presidential Medal of Freedom from outgoing president and Zionist Joe Biden, admitting that yes, he’s too old and rich to be righteous anymore.

Resembling an obedient child receiving his First Holy Communion while staring into the heavens, the almost billionaire cast decades of activism and calling out warmongers from his mind in favour of the highest civilian award of the United States usually given to those for their ‘meritorious contribution to either the security interests of the United States, cultural or other significant public or private endeavours or world peace’.

“Look, we’ll forget about that last part there and just say it’s for the first two,” Biden reassured Bono as he continued to make a holy show out of his homeland in front of the world. “We’ll get you a nice site on the Gaza strip when we’re finished. The seaside property there is to die for”.

Sir Bono, once known for his outspoken opinions on war and famine, later defended accepting the award from the nation responsible for funding ongoing genocide in Gaza and dozens of other unjust wars over the last century.

“There comes a time in an activists’ life when he has to de-activist, especially when it starts crossing over into financial and foreign policy interests of my elitist friends,” Bono explained, whose name coincidentally appeared in the Panama Papers alongside fellow medal recipient Hillary Clinton. “I know people back home will not be happy, but they’re just begrudgers. Please forgive them Lord as they do not know what they are doing. Amen. Cel-a-brat-ion! Uh oh oh”.

Meanwhile, Michael J Fox, Denzel Washington, ‘Magic’ Johnson, Ralph Lauren and several others were just glad they were actual American citizens and thus avoided such criticism from people calling for an end to the Palestinian genocide.

We’ve been hacked by North Korea, made it into Trump’s campaign emails, threatened with legal action by Ireland’s richest man, angered Scientology and received 6,000 complaints from the God squad after a sketch of ours aired on RTÉ. Help us to keep pissing off all the right people – buy some of our MERCH HERE to help us continue to taking the piss in these trying times.