Congenital Heart Disease Now America’s Only Hope

WITH the majority of voters giving a twice impeached convicted felon their vote, political experts have suggested underlying health problems may be America’s only hope when it comes to saving it from itself.

“As evidenced from the results, America America’d the shit of the election and therefore a longstanding undiagnosed heart condition combined with ingesting a lifetime of McDonald’s and Diet Coke is the hero we have to place all our trust in,” explained one expert on the thin veneer of democracy in America.

Unwilling to vote for a woman and choosing a candidate who sexually assaults women instead, the slim majority of Americans who voted for Trump seem uninterested in safeguarding the rule of law.

“We are helpless, all we can do is place our faith in the obesity inducing power of fast food, in the artery clogging abilities of the humble burger and that if Trump feels pain in his chest he will ask RFK Jr for health advice instead of a doctor,” offered another expert.

“I get many people are disappointed, and that we underestimated the power of ignorance but we must not underestimate the power of heart disease for it is our shining city upon a hill,” offered someone who hasn’t lost hope in the bravery it takes for a blood clot to settle in blood vessels of a 78-year-old authoritarian.

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