Taoiseach To Spend Meeting With Biden Trying To Place Cheque For €14bn Apple Tax In His Pocket

TAOISEACH SIMON HARRIS has been rugby tackled several times by US president Joe Biden’s Secret Service detail after repeatedly lunging at the decrepit octogenarian in an attempt to stuff his top pocket with a cheque for €14bn.

Billed as the ‘last chance’ to dispose of the money the Irish government was so heartbroken to receive after Apple lost its tax case in EU court, Harris is primarily using his visit to Washington hand over the money somehow.

“This is it, if I don’t get rid of it here we’re fucked, we’re going to have to spend it on large infrastructure projects in Ireland, like we need any of those anyway,” a panicked Harris said to aides.

Seemingly unwilling to use the Apple tax money on a second Leinster House bike shed Harris contented himself with walking around the White House and dropping the €14bn cheque on the floor.

“Clumsy me, it’d be just the worst luck if someone picked that up and hand-delivered it to Tim Cook,” a rueful Harris said.

“Wait, are you not the woman?” a confused Biden said wondering why Kamala Harris was throwing money at him.

UPDATE: The Taoiseach also made sure to request in the strongest terms possible that the US reconsider supplying weapons to Israel Ireland lets Israel fly over its airspace and Israel then uses to point directly at Irish UN peacekeepers in Lebanon.

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