So You’ve Tested Positive At The Olympics, Here’s Some Excuses To Use

YOU THOUGHT you were going to get away with it but after giving your urine sample, you tested positive.

However, not all is lost as the history of doping in sport shows us, if you have the right excuse you can get the public back on your side and even rooting for you.

WWN Sports has collected the best time-honoured go-to excuses for dopers everywhere which can be replicated at a tearful press conference in front of 400 different media microphones:

“So there I was at the urinal trying to pee into my doping tube and next thing Keith Richards burst in and starting pissing everywhere, some of it must have gotten into the sample!”

“There is a straight forward explanation for this, the extremely high levels of testosterone found in my body is due to the fact I accidentally ate the food meant for my dog which I lace with testosterone so that he is ready to fight in my underground dog-fighting ring. Not so sure I’m the villain now, are you? So there!”

“After a failed experiment to replicate a super soldier program using gamma radiation, I was inadvertently transformed into a large, muscular creature with green skin whenever my heart rate goes above 200 beats per minute or when facing mortal danger. All similarities to the origin story of Bruce Banner and the Hulk are merely coincidental”.

“As you all know, the Olympics is a major bonk-fest among athletes. I foolishly allowed my bed to be used as a location for an orgy while I was out competing. Upon my return I had a nap and somehow the bodily fluids from some sex-crazed doping-athletes must have been absorbed into my system. Typical bad luck on my part”.

“I thought ‘Nandrolone’ was a loan company which allowed you to loan out money to in-need Nans. I’d do anything for my granny”

“Fuck you, I’m not apologising, I thought it’d be awesome to see the 100 metres done in 5 seconds!”

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