WWN’s Horoscopes

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21 March – 20 April

19 years to the day, and they still haven’t found you. But don’t think you’re in the clear. Don’t get complacent.


21 April – 21 May

All you want this week is a 99, but every newsagent you go in to refuses to get the machine from the back. Bastards.  


May 21 – June 20

Ah yeah, tipping along rightly. Classic Gemini.  


June 21 – July 22

You start to wonder if your life is this way because of all that Sudocrem you ate as a child.


July 23 – August 22

You put up a plea to help you find your missing cat on Twitter. You don’t even own a cat. But they don’t have to know that.


August 23 – September 22

You have a dance tune from the 90s stuck in your head all week and you can’t even Google it because it has no lyrics. BAM, BAM, BAM, Bam, bam-bam BAM… anyone?


September 23 – October 22

You’re up to issue 97 and this model of the Titanic still isn’t finished. Why do you start these things?  


October 23 – November 21

While we have you, would you like to buy some knives? We’ve got a job lot of these knives we’re looking to get rid of. PM us.  


November 22 – December 21

Skateboard, eh? In your thirties? Ok man.  


December 22 – January 19

Say hi to your mom for me.  


January 20 – February 18

You get a prize for having received communion for the 100,000th time.  


February 19 – March 20

Keep an eye out for owls. They’re fucking everywhere. Bite your fingers off, they would. Take care.  

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