WWN Guide To The Contenders To Be Next Taoiseach
AS Enda Kenny is forcibly thrown from a helicopter into shark infested water off the coast of Mexico by his political rivals, the question is being asked; just who will replace him as Taoiseach once the sharks have rip him limb from limb?
WWN assesses the competition:
Nickname: The Incoherent and Rambling Hand of Justice
Motivations for becoming Toaiseach: Because she wants to be Taoiseach.
Interesting fact: Is a female woman who would be Ireland’s first female woman lady Taoiseach.
Special move: Misremembering her forgetfulness.
Weaknesses: Jesus, have you been following the news at all the last few weeks?
Nickname: The Bald-headed Bullet, so-called because once you’ve crossed him, he will pierce your heart like a bullet.
Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: Because he wants to be Taoiseach and also wants to divert all funds earmarked for scientific research into finding a cure for male pattern baldness.
Interesting fact: People from Cork will be even more unbearable and smug if he gets the gig.
Special move: Deflecting the question with some bullshit or other.
Weaknesses: His relative competency in various ministerial roles could be seen as a barrier by other Fine Gael TDs to becoming Taoiseach themselves one day.
Nickname: No, The Other Simon and the Baby-Faced Assassination, a name he picked up while taking up paid work at aged 9 in Siberia as an assassin for hire.
Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: Because he wants to be Taoiseach.
Special move: The repeated and heartfelt apology for the endless fuck ups in the health service.
Interesting fact: Is just 7 stickers away from completing this year’s Premier League sticker album.
Weaknesses: Has yet to apply for his theory test. Regularly ID’d going into cabinet meetings and pubs.
Nickname: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and would do his best.
Motivations For becoming Taoiseach: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and would do his best.
Special move: Getting Mark Wahlberg drunk.
Interesting fact: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and would do his best.
Weaknesses: Everybody loves him sure, he’d be lovely and genuine and do his best.
Nickname: Taoiseach Leo, given to him by himself.
Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: Because he really, really, really wants to be Taoiseach.
Interesting fact: Would become Ireland’s first openly self-serving Taoiseach.
Special move: The photo opportunity. Has posed for over 400,000 photos this year alone.
Weaknesses: Confessed to skipping the 7 times tables in school. Half the country goes into a violent rage when seeing his face.
Motivations for becoming Taoiseach: The 80s pop heroes haven’t declared their interest, but Take On Me is a cracking tune.
Interesting fact: A-Ha still tour to this day, playing to adoring audiences all around the world.
Special move: Deceptively complex yet accessible pop music which has yet to receive the respect and critical acclaim it so richly deserves.