Shite 5-A-Side Player Signs €15 Million Contract With Chinese Soccer Club


A SENSATIONAL swoop by Chinese side Shanghai SIPG has seen local Waterford 5-a-side player Tony Kenny swap his Tuesday night astro league for the bright lights of Shanghai.

Kenny’s inability to strike a football has proven no deterrent for the Chinese side who are keen to add big money buys from abroad to their ranks, meaning the overweight Waterford man will join the likes of Oscar, Jon Obi Mikel, Carlos Tevez and Jackson Martinez in China.

“It’s always been a dream of mine to play for… what’s their name again,” Kenny shared with sports reporters as he packed his kit bag with deep heat and an old pair of shin guards before getting off to the Chinese Super League.

Kenny is in line to earn an eye watering €15 million a year, which is a far cry from the weekly subs of €6 he paid to Tramore Dynamo, the 5-a-side with which he spent 4 utterly disappointing years.

“We wish him the best, but we won’t miss him ‘cus he’s shite,” explained teammate Gavin Coffey, who said Dynamo would likely spend some of Kenny’s €40 million transfer fee on new training bibs.

“The old ones have holes in them and some mold growing on them, this 5-a-side team was crying out for some investment. But to be honest, we’re just concentrating on next Tuesday’s game against Terry Mackem Hauliers & Co Celtic,” Coffey added.

The investment in foreign players by China’s Super League is showing no signs of slowing with rumours of a €100 million big tabled for Irish centre half Paul McShane.