WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You only have one Tinder match, and you’re fairly sure it’s one of your mates taking the piss.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You stop and talk to a charity mugger, just to have someone to talk to. It costs you a monthly standing order of €8.99, but it was so worth it!

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You will continue to sing what you believe the lyrics to “Here comes the hotstepper” are, even though you’re mostly just making sounds not words.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Go on, update your Adobe reader. It’ll be something to do.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Your homebrew beers tastes like the grey rubber bit that the door of a washing machine closes against. So, success!

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Don’t wave they’re not waving at you, they’re waving at someone behind you, do not wave, we repeat do NOT WAVE, ah for fuck sake.

libra

September 23 – October 22

Don’t tell those pigs nuthin’.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That eye infection would go away if you would only take more time to rub the fuck out of it.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Maybe calm down a bit on the selection boxes, chief. It’s still November and you’re on your fourth.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You develop a severe and raging hatred for a man on the train that you’ve never met before and will never see again after you reach your stop. There’s just something about this prick that…UGH. What is his fucking problem?

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You notice that there’s a guy on the train giving you fucking evils for no real reason.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Oh yeah, Pisces, nearly forgot about you. Now, let’s see (rummages through bag)… nope, nothing for Pisces.

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