WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You begin to realise that you like the idea of Star Wars more than you actually like Star Wars. Those movies are terrible.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You go for a cheeky Nandos, but it gets a little too cheeky. Words are exchanged. A fight ensues.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

When the attractive woman at the checkout asked if would enter your pin, she meant into the laser machine.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You ain’t got time to bleed. Hell, none of us do. But some of us make time to bleed.

leo

July 23 – August 22

You lose the benefit of your coat after wearing it inside.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You go full Trump. Never go full Trump, man.

libra

September 23 – October 22

You reach a significant breakthrough with figuring out what the fuck is up with this shit.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You form an Irish dancing troupe that specialises in quelling dissent using meaningless, trite statements, and call it Jiggers With Platitudes.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

We’ll have your horoscope in a minute, we just have to take a slash.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You click “like” on a pro-feminist Facebook page. You’re practically Malala Yousafzai!

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A bit of Vitamin C would help clear up that cold, but what would you have to whine and bitch about then?

pisces

February 19 – March 20

  There’s always one. And it’s always you.

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