WWN Horoscopes

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Aries March 21 – April 19

You realise there is nothing cheeky about a Nandos.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Is it too late to pursue your dreams? Yup. Sure is.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

We’re not sure why, but your parasitic conjoined twin is really acting the bollocks this week.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a verruca, do not make verruca-ade.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Stop talking. Stop talking. Just… stop. Stop it. Shh. Shhh. Not a word.

Stopit!

Virgo August 23 – September 22

For you, life never got better than the Gaeltacht.

Libra September 23 – October 22

You achieve permanent status as the guy in the office that nobody likes. It’s a job for life!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Your nickname for your penis, the 2H, isn’t sticking. It just wants to be called a penis.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

It’s bottle or be bottled this week; which will it be?

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

OK, so you missed out on being Liverpool manager this season. But there’s always next year!

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Spend some time this week just glomming on to people who can’t stand you. Look at them, trying to get rid of you! Life is fun.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Highlight your life, click BOLD, click ITALICS, click UNDERLINE, click FONT SIZE 72.

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