Aries March 21 – April 19
This week you will spend the bulk of your time trying to get off the bed your girlfriend tied you to on Valentine’s Day.
P.S. she’s probably never coming back, it’s been over 48 hours now.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You will become so overly attached to a brand new spin-off television series that you beat a man half to death for saying it’s not a patch on the original.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Mars is at a high point this week, which enables you to maximise your understanding. This comes at the perfect time as you’re having a hard time understanding how your husband slept with your identical twin by accident 28 times in the last month.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Free money! Free money! Free Money! Now that I’ve got your intention it’s time to get real, 8 tubs of Ben and Jerry’s in one week is a new record… not a great record though. Maybe it’s time to leave the house, your once a month average isn’t really up to scratch.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Uranus is in bits after a particularly rough week of ‘experimenting’ with your girlfriend. It might be time to Saturn it for a while and tell her you need a break.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
This week’s Virgo will not go ahead due to traffic delays on the N11.
Libra September 23 – October 22
The countdown begins, you have just 3 weeks before your husband leaves you. Make the most of it – piss him off more than usual.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
This week is set to be the best week of your life so far. Not only did you find that fiver under the couch, but Bressie retweeted one of your tweets!
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Pancake Tuesday will take on a whole new meaning for your friends and family this week when you career into an oncoming truck carrying 40 tonnes of timber.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Roses are Red, Violets are blue. Capricorn’s star sign has gone to the loo.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week you will run over Marty Morrissey with your car. Flee the scene, tell no one.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
My husband is a Pisces and he’s a prick so I’m just going to go ahead and presume you’re a prick too. May the misfortune of a thousand negative astrology entries reign down upon you all at once.