American Cancer Patient Realises Fastest Route To Free Life-Saving Healthcare Is Death Row

DUMBFOUNDED to realise the answer to saving her life was staring her right in the face this whole time, American cancer patient Dorothy Hopkins said she has been given new hope after the latest news from Tennessee.

“All I have to do is go to prison! Someone, grab me a gun!” said the 46-year-old mother of three.

Hopkins is one of nearly 30 million Americans who cannot afford medical insurance and are thus left to rot by the state. However, news that convicted murderer Christa Pike received life-saving treatment after the state failed to end her life via lethal injection has given her a small beam of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

“There’s plenty of awful people out there I could murder and get myself one of these cushy death sentences. I’ll be on death row for at least 30 years while they make sure to keep me in good health. Even if they do fail to execute me, they’ll try to keep me alive anyway, win win!” Hopkins weighed up the argument for cold-blooded murder in her head.

Pike survived two doses of lethal injection and is now in critical condition, receiving “life-saving care”, something 30 million uninsured Americans will never receive on the outside.

“In a country where a single hospitalisation without insurance can run from $30,000 to over $100,000, and 530,000 people file for bankruptcy every year due to medical bills, prison seems like a great option for many of us,” another terminally ill patient concluded.