Disappointment As Zelensky Speech Focuses On Existential Threat To Ukraine, Doesn’t Mention Guinness Or Tayto
MANY VIEWERS tuning into Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zelensky’s address of the Dáil yesterday were left disappointed and slightly offended by the contents of his speech, WWN has learned.
“It was a bit ‘Russia wishes to wipe Ukraine off the map, we need support’ heavy, know your audience pal. A wise crack about how you like a Chicken Kiev but nothing beats a chicken roll from an Irish deli with some Tayto goes a long way, not even a hint of Heaney quote from him either,” said one expert in communicating directly to the basest desires and needs of Irish people.
Zelensky’s lengthy speech which received a standing ovation was deemed a rousing address any leader would be envious of however, the watching Irish public use a different barometer to rate visiting dignitaries.
“Sure, he said thanks but he didn’t plámás us at all at all, no ‘Is féider linn’ or wearing an Irish rugby jersey, by all means get to the ‘Putin is an evil war criminal and must be brought to justice’ bit but first tell us how great the Cliffs of Moher are, alright?” observed one veteran of losing his shit when world leaders mention ‘the craic agus ceol’.
“Look, I know you’re fighting to stop Russia from brutalising your people but a bit of common courtesy goes a long way, just down a pint of Guinness in Temple Bar like a good, appreciate lad and let us dig up a long-lost Irish relative that everyone knows isn’t really real,” confirmed Taoiseach Micheál Martin who added that, for an additional €100mn in non-lethal supports to Ukraine, he expected a few more handy photo opportunities with Zelensky.
Not long after his speech, Zelensky left the country and further offended Ireland with his fixation of trivial notions of Ukrainian survival when he declined to stop on the airport tarmac to play hurling with a class of primary school children.
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