Venezuela Just One More Trump Controversy Away From Being Invaded

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has told Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro that he is one more US Republican scandal away from distracting the world by invading Venezuela, advising the leader and his family to start packing the bags as he know’s there’s still plenty to come.

“Seriously, Nico, from one dictator to another, if one more Epstein file links me to something, I’ll have no other choice but to use you guys as a flare,” Trump reportedly told his South American counterpart, according to documents retrieved by this publication.

With US troops and aircraft carriers now surrounding the sovereign nation, Trump announced the closure of Venezuelan airspace, hinting at a coming escalation over whatever it is Venezuela supposedly did to the United States to spark one of it’s good old fashioned invasions or regime changes.

“Em… drugs? Yeah, that’s it, drugs. They’re drug dealers,” Secretary of War Pete Hegseth explained today, fresh from overseeing several extremely war-crime-ish attacks on civilian vessels in recent months, claiming they were ‘cartel related’.

“They also have oil, and that’s not allowed because they’re bad people. Only good people like ourselves and our dear friends the Russians and Saudis can have oil. The good guys.”

Despite the increasingly vague reasoning behind jeopardising a nation of 28 million people, insiders say Venezuela is mistakenly viewed simply an ‘easy target’ that won’t fight back much and offers the president some breathing room between scandals.

“It’s classic bully psychology,” one expert said. “When the big lad gets rattled, he looks around for the weakest person on the playground to wallop.”

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