Trump Delays Immediate, Final, Non-Negotiable Cast Iron & Irreversible Tariffs Again

“THIS IS YOUR absolute final no-take-backs warning. No, I know I said that last time but this is different, it’s a super serious deadline I won’t change,” explained US president Donald Trump in a message to the countries he had promised to impose stringent tariffs on starting July 9th but has since delayed to August 1st.

“Don’t you dare try to call my bluff because I don’t delay, change, back down or shit my pants, I will totally do it, don’t test me. Tariffs work which is why I keep delaying the implementation of the majority of them, because they might work too well and create amazing prosperity in America which I can totally do with tariffs which is why I’m doing them but delaying, for now,” said Trump as he delayed tariffs he said would not be delayed.

Trump added that his phone is on, if nations he’s threatening to ‘tariff to oblivion’ want to ring him and persuade him not to kick his own ‘economy directly in the nuts’.

Aside from addressing letters to world leaders and referring female prime ministers as ‘Dear Mr President’, the Trump administration insist they’re on top of every detail of their carefully calibrated tariff policy which constantly changes despite being impervious to any changes.

“We basically have big business minds in the White House who have been shouting the words ‘tariffs’ for so long and so hard that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, do you understand that?” concluded Trump before boarding a helicopter on the White House lawn.

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