UnitedHealthcare Board Not Sure When Right Time To Break It To CEO’s Family None Of This Is Covered Under Insurance Plan

A SHOCKING BROAD daylight assassination, a suspect still on the loose, and a motive not yet clear. The murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson has left America reeling,

“Can’t we just crush their souls will a faceless barrage of automated emails full of mangled and meaningless bureaucratic jargon like they were a normal customer?” pondered one executive, who noted a pre-existing allergy to being shot as justification for why any healthcare administered is not covered.

While earnings for the CEO position had increased from $2.7mn to $51.8mn from 2015 to 2024 (raised presumably due to securing positive health outcomes for customers), some have said the UH board could just this once make an exception.

“No, they have our cell numbers, we can’t just rely on our customer disservice lines for this one,” one anguished board member said, bouyed slightly by the news the company’s share price is actually up.

“C’mon, this isn’t a single mother-of-two in need of cancer treatment that we give the run around to, this is a real person with a real family,” reasoned one soft hearted profit-allergic board member who risked tarnishing UH’s stellar industry-leading 32% claim rejection rate.

“Could we maybe put aside some of huge increases in profits we’ve experienced in the last few years and cover things ourselves? We’ve what, $90bn in profits from last year?” suggested one smiling executive to titters of laughter.

Meanwhile, profits are set to soar at private security firms that specialise in providing protection to the top 1% earners across the world.

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