“With Crime Eradicated, It’s Time For Me To Move On”

DREW HARRIS has confirmed his intention to finish his tenure as Garda Commissioner when his current contract is up in 2025, with the former PSNI man citing the fact that with crime eradicated the position he occupies is no longer needed.

“Look around you, what is there left to do? I’m a workaholic, just ask the lads in MI5 but there’s simply nothing left to do here,” Harris said in an address to the press as several bikes chained to nearby railings were stolen.

“No please don’t go,” begged the 1.3% of rank and file gardaí who voted confidence in Harris, while the words of the 98.7% who wanted him gone could not be heard over the sound of champagne corks popping.

Harris, who oversaw necessary reforms within An Garda Síochána, also implemented unnecessary ‘sorry, we’ve fuck all guards to respond to crimes’ policies but will be sadly missed by landlords who knew who to call if they needed a protection detail from their eviction crews.

In a bid to avoid a long drawn out hiring process, the policing authority have asked for people who only take a hands-off light-touch approach to far-right agitators with clear links to drug gangs, the KKK and Loyalist paramilitaries to apply.