Trump Tells Ukraine To Put Natural Resources In Black Duffel Bag, Meet JD Vance In Car Park At Midnight

FOLLOWING the news that Ukraine have signed a mineral deal with the US that ensures it retains full control over all infrastructure, subsoil and resources itself, US president Donald Trump has told the country it must hand over all natural resources in a dimly lit car park by midnight tonight.

“Duh, the Art of the Deal is to strike a deal and then immediately do everything in your power to renege on the deal and rob the other side blind,” explained Trump.

“Vance will be there for the drop, you hand over the resources and in exchange he gives you nothing. Shout ‘JD’ and look for the sad guy with the panda eyes, that’s my guy,” Trump told Ukrainian officials, who had earlier been celebrating negotiating a far better deal than many had thought possible.

Trump has been praised for his genius in annoying China so much with his tariff war that they put a virtual halt on all exports of their rare earth minerals to the US which had the effect of strengthening Ukraine’s hand in negotiations for their own minerals.

“I did it, I got revenge on Zelensky for how disgracefully he treated the American people. Once again, I’ve found a solution to a problem I made up that never existed,” concluded Trump who recently celebrated 100 days in office and the news the American economy in the first 3 months of the year by convincing one of his supporters to come up on stage and shoot themselves in the foot while repeatedly saying ‘thank you’.

Help us to continue taking the piss in these trying times by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE