WWN Horoscopes

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Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will mostly be saying ‘we’ when discussing the Irish rugby team’s 6 Nations victory despite not playing in the games yourself.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

The strength associated with Taurus will abandon you as you dig your spoon into your tub of ice cream, failing to make a dent in its icily resolute surface.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Last week when I said take up a sport I didn’t think you would choose hunting, catching and eating humans.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

This week, the rest of the office will be begin to make less of an effort in hiding how much they hate you.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Thanks to Jupiter you gain the incite into taking up aqua yoga in a fresh bid to distract yourself from the finite and ultimately unfulfilling nature of existing.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week you will make a big and positive impression on some new friends when you lie to them about almost everything, including reading a number of intellectual-sounding books.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Some quick accounting this week carried out as you avoid doing actual work helps you realise you’re spending over €2,500 a year on coffee, this forces you to pretend a friend of yours has died in an effort to explain away the fact you burst into tears.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

This week you’ll mostly be annoyed with your boyfriend for something he did in a dream you had.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Since the majority of Sagittariuses are strong independent people who don’t need external validation, its horoscope entry has been discontinued.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

A heartbreaking documentary about blood donor shortages in Ireland has such an impact on you that it compels you to Tweet about how you are watching the documentary.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

This week you will read your horoscope completely unaware that all entries are compiled by a highly advanced computer algorithm designed to keep you coming back for more, just wait until next week to see what it has in store for you.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

A shocking secret from your past reveals that you were only your parents 12th favourite child.

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