Tag: health

Government Asks Publicans Have They No Homes To Go To

“RIGHT there folks, please” announced the government today, while spraying Pledge on tables in an attempt to get Irish publicans to take the 24-point plan to re-open pubs on the 21st of September with them and ‘tip on home’. Publicans who stuck around to argue that the proposals are at best tailored to large city… Read more »

Human Rights Court Finally Bans Burpees

FIT people and sort-of fit people alike shared tears of joy outside the Court Of Human Rights in Strasbourg today, after a landmark ruling which outlawed the notorious ‘burpee’ exercise after decades of misery and sore arses. The court took less than ten minutes to declare the half-squat, half-plank exercise to be a gross incursion… Read more »

“It Really Works!” We Speak To Russia’s Covid-19 Vaccine Volunteers

CALLING a press conference to confirm Russia has ‘successfully developed’ a rushed through Covid-19 vaccine for which he has provided no proof of its supposed effectiveness, leader-for-life Vladimir Putin presented a series of successful vaccine volunteers to Russian state media. Delivering remarkable first-person testimonies of the miracle vaccine while lying in stiff horizontal positions, the… Read more »

Vindication For Man Who Said ‘It’s Just The Flu’ As Covid-19 Cases Reach 20 Million Worldwide

WEARING a grin wider than the Atlantic ocean, one self-anointed ‘takes no shit straight-talker’ is celebrating having called out Covid-19 overreaction from the very start as the ‘just the flu’ reached a measly 20 million cases and 730,000 deaths worldwide. “I don’t take pleasure in being right, but I think you’ll find a lot of… Read more »

The Pros & Cons Of Keeping Pubs Closed

THE TAOISEACH made the reluctant decision to delay the reopening of pubs for at least another 3 weeks, prompting auld lads at the end of bars to spontaneously combust from blind rage. But with Covid-19 cases on the rise here and elsewhere, many believe there are only easy, simple and obvious measures to put in… Read more »