“RIGHT there folks, please” announced the government today, while spraying Pledge on tables in an attempt to get Irish publicans to take the 24-point plan to re-open pubs on the 21st of September with them and ‘tip on home’. Publicans who stuck around to argue that the proposals are at best tailored to large city… Read more »
FIT people and sort-of fit people alike shared tears of joy outside the Court Of Human Rights in Strasbourg today, after a landmark ruling which outlawed the notorious ‘burpee’ exercise after decades of misery and sore arses. The court took less than ten minutes to declare the half-squat, half-plank exercise to be a gross incursion… Read more »
MINISTER For Health Stephen Donnelly was said to be ecstatic this morning at the fact that he was the number one trend on Twitter in Ireland all night, a sure sign that he’s doing a great job with his ministerial brief and everything is ‘coming up Donnelly’. “Trending all night, even with the big storm;… Read more »
WITH the Gardaí set to receive extra powers in the wake of a spike in Covid-19 cases rising directly from house parties and nothing else but house parties, the coming months may prove tricky for anyone who wishes to have a few friends round in a relaxing, non-Garda environment. Whether or not you’re raising a… Read more »
DESPITE having suffered the seasonal slings of pollen-based nasal misfortune for the past 20 years, there was something about the grind of 2020 so far that made Waterford hay fever sufferer Mal O’Connell think that he’d get through this summer sniffle free, WWN can report. “It was the whole Covid-19 thing, to be honest” said… Read more »
CALLING a press conference to confirm Russia has ‘successfully developed’ a rushed through Covid-19 vaccine for which he has provided no proof of its supposed effectiveness, leader-for-life Vladimir Putin presented a series of successful vaccine volunteers to Russian state media. Delivering remarkable first-person testimonies of the miracle vaccine while lying in stiff horizontal positions, the… Read more »
IN AN attempt to reflect the fact that Ireland will be living with Covid-19 for some time to come, the government revealed that it will be moving away from a ‘four phases’ model and adopting a colour-coded system which it promises to botch the explanation of very soon. “Fear not, the details will be suitably… Read more »
WEARING a grin wider than the Atlantic ocean, one self-anointed ‘takes no shit straight-talker’ is celebrating having called out Covid-19 overreaction from the very start as the ‘just the flu’ reached a measly 20 million cases and 730,000 deaths worldwide. “I don’t take pleasure in being right, but I think you’ll find a lot of… Read more »
PUTTING on their best ‘now’s the time to think of the collective not the individual’ faces, the Irish public have largely backed the move for the recently announced localised lockdowns, however, with the proviso that if the government even thinks of including their town, village, county or city in one “they can take a running… Read more »
THE TAOISEACH made the reluctant decision to delay the reopening of pubs for at least another 3 weeks, prompting auld lads at the end of bars to spontaneously combust from blind rage. But with Covid-19 cases on the rise here and elsewhere, many believe there are only easy, simple and obvious measures to put in… Read more »