Category: POLITICS

New Waterboarding Technique Does Not Work On Dead People, Claim US Troops

THE US government have confirmed today that a new waterboarding technique initiated by troops in Afghanistan has failed in its goal to extract vital information from dead Taliban fighters. Military officials reported the practice of ‘Urine-boarding’ has now been canned in favour of  reliable and more traditional methods like lancing and stake burning. The unorthodox form of interrogation… Read more »

‘Mandatory German For Both Junior And Leaving Cert Exams’, Says Quinn

THE Minister for education and skills, Ruairi Quinn, has announced at a press conference today that the German language will become mandatory for both Junior and leaving certificates from next year. Mr. Quinn unveiled the €2bn programme – part funded by the EU – at the Shelbourne hotel earlier this morning. The ‘Bildung Macht Frei’ or ‘Education will make… Read more »

Sett Blatter: ‘There Is No Racism In Ireland.’

FIFA President Sett Batter told Waterford Whispers News today that ‘there is no racism in Ireland and Mr. Scully should just shake hands with members of the black community’. The 75-year-old was flown into Dublin airport this morning on a government jet before being whisked off to Naas in a cavalcade of totally awesome cars… Read more »

Waterford Tourism Board Launches €2 Drinks Brochure In Desperate Bid To Attract Visitors To The City

WATERFORD tourism board have launched a brand new €2 drinks brochure and guide book today in a desperate bid to attract visitors to the city. The leaflets high quality print and design was praised by Mayor Pat Hayes who attended the launch in the new civic offices with several other city and county councillors this morning. Mayor Hayes said the new… Read more »

Berlusconi Stands Down After Being Offered Virgin Island Retirement Home

ITALIAN Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced his decision today to stand down from leadership after striking a ‘Virgin Island Retirement home’ deal with parliament. The 75-year-old will be flown to the Caribbean early next week where he will live out the rest of his days in the height of luxury. Berlusconi told the countries president, Giorgio Napolitano, on… Read more »

Cowen’s Dáil Bar Tab Was Paid Just Hours Before €3.6bn ‘Accounting Error’ Was Announced

EX-TAOISEACH Brian Cowen is reported to have paid an ‘undisclosed’ sum towards his Dail bar tab just hours before the announcement of a €3.6bn ‘accounting error’ yesterday, leading to speculation on the actual source of the countries new found windfall. Mid-ranking officials in the Department of Finance reported the discrepancy yesterday morning, stating it was an in-house mistake… Read more »

Confused Irish Citizen Votes ‘No’ To Presidency

A VERY confused Irish citizen has voted ‘No’ in this years Presidential election today. Terry Power (32) left the polling station early this morning after he was asked to vote on two referendums and one presidential election, all in one day. “I don’t know ta fuck! I just voted ‘No’ to everything.” said the part… Read more »

Off-The Book Workers Better Off Also Claiming Dole

OFF-THE-BOOK workers would be financially better off also claiming the dole because of the range of benefits available to the unemployed, a leading money advisor has revealed today. An analysis by Ballybeg economist Bernard Heefy shows that a person working 40 hours a week – off-the-books –  could get anything between €250-€400 a week and… Read more »

Bewildered Ahern Struggling To Acquire ‘Cash Donations’ From ‘Friends’ To Help Pay Tribunal Legal Bills

BERTIE AHERN is finding it increasingly difficult to get cash donations from business friends to help pay his €500k Mahan tribunal legal bill, a source close to the former Taoiseach said today. The €150,000 a year ‘retiree scumfuck who oversaw the total annihilation of the entire Irish property market’ is said to have exhausted all… Read more »

Gardai Start New Roll-Out Of ‘Heavy-Set Culchies’

A new Garda plan to deploy a team of over-weight country men and women to deal with critical incidents is being implemented this week. The ‘culchie units’ are being established in the nations capital and will act as a front line for the force in the fight against violent crime in the city. The units,… Read more »