THE VATICAN have announced today that anyone with the family name ‘D’Arcy’ will be stricken from all Catholic church records until further notice. Speaking from his safe-house in Rome today, Pope Benedict BMW X5 said that the decision to ban the name from the register came after numerous attempts to silence both the Irish broadcaster, Ray Darcy, and… Read more »
FINE GAEL TD Michelle Mulherin dramatically ascended back into heaven this morning in front of hundreds of spectators claiming that her ‘work here was done’. The single forty-year-old explained to mere mortals yesterday that sex between an unmarried male and a female was the biggest cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland. She caused heated debate with her use of… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT announced today that all new water meters will include a ‘draw something’ app for the first one million lucky customers. Taoiseach Enda Kenny unveiled a prototype version of the new water measuring device this afternoon which has a circular 5 inch touch-screen display unit mounted on its head. The free gaming application will work in conjunction with the meters main goal… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT announced today that it is now facing a shortage of new tax ideas to piss people off with. Ministerial departments converged in a crisis meeting yesterday evening after shocking figures were released on how many home-owners actually paid the household charge. Environment minister Phil Hogan told WWN today that the household charge was the governments… Read more »
FUEL prices are set to soar even higher this month after ‘something really complicated happened somewhere foreign or something’ say distributors. Four of the major producers of petroleum based fuels in the UK and Ireland claim that the hugely complex turn of events has left them with no choice but to push pump prices up another 10… Read more »
CUBAN authorities laid out the red carpet today for the visiting absolute-monarch of The Vatican City, Pope Benedict XVI – aka The Holy See, aka The Holy Father, aka Joseph Ratzinger. “We have many funny stories to swap, and some serious ones too.” said President Raul Castro, speaking to the assembled government-approved journalists in Havana…. Read more »
THE Minister for Justice, Alan Shatter, has said he will pass a mandatory death penalty sentence for burglars and trespassers who continue to break the law and steal from peoples homes. The dramatic decision was proposed late last night by the minister from a hotel bar in Australia – where he attended St Patrick’s Day festivities at the week-end. Mr Shatter claimed the… Read more »
THE Reverend and Right Honourable Ian Paisley has returned home today after being refused access to both heaven and hell, a spokeperson for the the former Northern Ireland First Minister said this morning. The 85-year-old was due to ‘move on’ last month but was turned down by the Kingdom of Heaven shortly after his heart failed. An angel source claims Mr…. Read more »
THE Minister for Social Protection, Joan Burton, has warned today that the long term unemployed must now ‘pretend’ to look for jobs or they will be ‘threatened’ with losing their benefits for ever and ever. Pretending to look for Work, launched by Taoiseach Enda Kenny, Tanaiste Eamon Gilmore and Joan Burton, aims to get thousands of unemployed people falsifying documents and editing… Read more »
AMERICA’S leading intelligence official, James Clapper, warned today that Iran is planning to eat western babies while unsuspecting parents are asleep in their nice, cosy beds. The US director of national intelligence said Iranian special forces, who are hiding all over the world, were plotting to eat random babies in a sick and evil operation code… Read more »