SHELL CEO Peter Voser admitted today that the shell-to-sea protesters have really got the multinational oil and gas company by the balls after a truck carrying drilling equipment for the Corrib project got stuck on a road yesterday. The worlds largest oil company was said to be on the verge of collapse following the incident, according to demonstrators at the scene. Mr. Voser… Read more »
THE shaking hand of Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, Martin McGuinness, was put under security lock down this morning ahead of the queens visit to Northern Ireland. The Sin Féin politician was approached late last night by her majesties secret service and asked to accompany them to an undisclosed location in Belfast city. A… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT have announced an extra 30,000 work experience places for people on the dole who wish to avail of the states new JobBridge scheme, minister Joan Burton has revealed today. Work began on a fourteen hundred acre cotton plantation in Lietrim late last year and is due to open for business next month. The Social… Read more »
THE Government have asked the country today why it is they are always ‘whinging’ and ‘moaning’ about stuff. At a press conference in Leinster house earlier, Taoiseach Enda Kenny told the press that both he and labour leader Eamon Gilmore were getting sick and tired of peoples ‘constant nagging’ about important things that they obviously… Read more »
THE VATICAN have announced today that anyone with the family name ‘D’Arcy’ will be stricken from all Catholic church records until further notice. Speaking from his safe-house in Rome today, Pope Benedict BMW X5 said that the decision to ban the name from the register came after numerous attempts to silence both the Irish broadcaster, Ray Darcy, and… Read more »
FINE GAEL TD Michelle Mulherin dramatically ascended back into heaven this morning in front of hundreds of spectators claiming that her ‘work here was done’. The single forty-year-old explained to mere mortals yesterday that sex between an unmarried male and a female was the biggest cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland. She caused heated debate with her use of… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT announced today that all new water meters will include a ‘draw something’ app for the first one million lucky customers. Taoiseach Enda Kenny unveiled a prototype version of the new water measuring device this afternoon which has a circular 5 inch touch-screen display unit mounted on its head. The free gaming application will work in conjunction with the meters main goal… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT announced today that it is now facing a shortage of new tax ideas to piss people off with. Ministerial departments converged in a crisis meeting yesterday evening after shocking figures were released on how many home-owners actually paid the household charge. Environment minister Phil Hogan told WWN today that the household charge was the governments… Read more »
FUEL prices are set to soar even higher this month after ‘something really complicated happened somewhere foreign or something’ say distributors. Four of the major producers of petroleum based fuels in the UK and Ireland claim that the hugely complex turn of events has left them with no choice but to push pump prices up another 10… Read more »
CUBAN authorities laid out the red carpet today for the visiting absolute-monarch of The Vatican City, Pope Benedict XVI – aka The Holy See, aka The Holy Father, aka Joseph Ratzinger. “We have many funny stories to swap, and some serious ones too.” said President Raul Castro, speaking to the assembled government-approved journalists in Havana…. Read more »