EVERYBODY living in housing estates across the country have claimed the annoying bastard ice-cream van guy is just ‘taking the absolute piss now’, it has emerged this week. Hundreds of thousands of people have slammed the ill-timing and general existence of the truck drivers, claiming ‘they only drive around to annoy residents who just sat down from work.’ More… Read more »
ONE of the countries most popular astronomy clubs announced today that it was sick and tired of failing to see past low lying clouds and bad weather after yet another astronomical event was cancelled earlier. The transit of Venus was postponed by the group this morning to the year 2117 due to poor visibility. Chairman… Read more »
PEOPLE who drink coffee live longer than non-drinkers, but researchers may change their minds again next week, a special report into the hot drink claimed today. Scientists found that compared with people who did not drink coffee, subjects who consumed large amounts of coffee were definitely living longer than the other ones they looked at a while… Read more »
THE POPE has laughed-off sciences latest theory on ‘dark matter’, saying that the idea of an invisible force that holds the entire universe together is an ‘absolute fairytale’. The Holy see slammed the hypothesis earlier this week and asked people who believed in the idea to ‘get a reality check’. A spokesman for the Vatican told… Read more »
THE VATICAN have announced today that anyone with the family name ‘D’Arcy’ will be stricken from all Catholic church records until further notice. Speaking from his safe-house in Rome today, Pope Benedict BMW X5 said that the decision to ban the name from the register came after numerous attempts to silence both the Irish broadcaster, Ray Darcy, and… Read more »
FINE GAEL TD Michelle Mulherin dramatically ascended back into heaven this morning in front of hundreds of spectators claiming that her ‘work here was done’. The single forty-year-old explained to mere mortals yesterday that sex between an unmarried male and a female was the biggest cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland. She caused heated debate with her use of… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT announced today that all new water meters will include a ‘draw something’ app for the first one million lucky customers. Taoiseach Enda Kenny unveiled a prototype version of the new water measuring device this afternoon which has a circular 5 inch touch-screen display unit mounted on its head. The free gaming application will work in conjunction with the meters main goal… Read more »
A COUNTY Kilkenny woman is in fear for her life after a migraine led her to a Google search which then led her to a pain in the head search, which then lead her to search every possible condition on the internet, which then led her to pick out the worst one, a source close to… Read more »
CHILDREN who show the early signs of bad behaviour are said to be directly linked to being ‘spoiled little shits’, new research suggests today. In contrast, children who were not ‘spoilt rotten’ by their parents and extended family were less likely to create publicly embarrassing situations during childhood. It suggests that the traditional notion of ‘discipline’… Read more »
A pair of Chinese pandas at Edinburgh Zoo have finally mated after a Samantha Brick mask was placed on the female bears face. Tian Tian and Yang Guang will hopefully have babies this year thanks to a card board cut out of the beautiful woman’s face, Edinburgh Zoo’s press officer told WWN today. The successful attempt to mate followed other attempts on Tuesday and Wednesday were it seemed the male panda had no interest in the ordinary looking female…. Read more »
