US PRESIDENT Barack Obama’s historic visit to Cuba will probably not involve visiting the Guantanamo Bay detention centre, with the president seemingly confirming it by stating “that would just be depressing”, after being pressed by reporters. More questions followed to why exactly the president wouldn’t want to visit the site of significant torture and human… Read more »
FEMIPAX, a leading manufacturer of feminine sanitary products, has been forced to pull their line of tampons from supermarket shelves after it was found they were unsuitable for use while Kitesurfing. By EU standards, all tampons should provide lasting freshness and confidence to women all day, regardless of what activity they may get up to…. Read more »
KERRY TD Michael Healy Rae is said to be recovering well in hospital after a failed assassination attempt on his life, carried out by a cow gardaí believe was radicalised by Dublin based ‘urban extremists’. The cow, named locally as New Road Healy Rae, was said to be distressed by how its owner and his… Read more »
THE international community has condemned North Korea’s test launch of a medium range missile, which the country successfully constructed after watching several YouTube tutorials. “We could have sent a spy to MIT in America, learn mechanics, engineering, physics, but this is much cheaper dear leader,” North Korean general Lee Ju Sung revealed in an internal… Read more »
RACING enthusiasts have hit back at animal welfare groups who have claimed that racing puts horses in unnecessary danger, claiming that horses love breaking their own legs and being shot, and would probably put themselves to sleep if there was nobody else to do it. The argument over animal welfare reared its head again this… Read more »
AFTER the successful recovery of the Irish economy, highlighted extensively by the Labour-Fine Gael coalition over the last 24 months, the entire population is set to go on strike in a bid for better pay. “I’m not doing another tap until I get 70% added to my basic, and we’ll be talking about a company… Read more »
THE total cost of the post-Paddy’s Day clean up has already reached €14.5 billion, the highest on record in the post-boom years, WWN can reveal. As the public begins collecting their relatives and friends from busy city streets in which they drunkenly fall asleep on last night, local authorities are counting the cost of yet… Read more »
A MAJOR incident is unfolding at the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Dublin city centre, WWN has learned. Gardaí, the Army and the Fire Brigade are all on the scene outside the GPO, in large numbers after what eye-witnesses described as a ‘pro-English’ float careened into the GPO causing significant damage. “We’re kicking ourselves now,… Read more »
SINN Fein leader Gerry Adams is to chance his arm getting into the White House again after failing to gain entry to a dinner hosted by Barack Obama last night. Adams spent 90 minutes yesterday attempting to get into the event along with Deputy Leader Mary Lou McDonald and Martin McGuinness, the north’s deputy first… Read more »
JAILED mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik has today accused the Norwegian state of neglect and attempted murder, telling the judge presiding over his human rights trial that he spent over 6 months with “stingy playstation blisters” on his thumbs without any treatment. Breivik, a right-wing extremist who killed 77 people in a bombing and gun… Read more »
