THE Saudi underpants bomber has signed a five year contract with fashion house Calvin Klein, a spokesman for the company has revealed today. The hunky over night sensation will apparently follow in the footsteps of Mark Wahlberg and David Becham by promoting the company’s new underwear range until 2017. “He’s going to be the new poster boy of Klein” a… Read more »
TRADERS at Ireland’s ISEQ have warned of more economic turbulence today after the markets failed to turn up for work this morning. An Irish Stock Exchange spokesman said the markets were contacted at half past ten this morning and said they were ‘absolutely dying’ and couldn’t make it in. “They were due in at nine. There was… Read more »
THE POPE has laughed-off sciences latest theory on ‘dark matter’, saying that the idea of an invisible force that holds the entire universe together is an ‘absolute fairytale’. The Holy see slammed the hypothesis earlier this week and asked people who believed in the idea to ‘get a reality check’. A spokesman for the Vatican told… Read more »
THE Government have asked the country today why it is they are always ‘whinging’ and ‘moaning’ about stuff. At a press conference in Leinster house earlier, Taoiseach Enda Kenny told the press that both he and labour leader Eamon Gilmore were getting sick and tired of peoples ‘constant nagging’ about important things that they obviously… Read more »
THE VATICAN have announced today that anyone with the family name ‘D’Arcy’ will be stricken from all Catholic church records until further notice. Speaking from his safe-house in Rome today, Pope Benedict BMW X5 said that the decision to ban the name from the register came after numerous attempts to silence both the Irish broadcaster, Ray Darcy, and… Read more »
A SECOND football found washed up on a remote Alaskan beach in the same week apparently belongs to Spanish footballer, Sergio Ramos, who accidentally overshot a vital penalty kick at the Champions League semi-finals last night in Madrid. The ball may soon be returned to its rightful owner more than 16,000 miles away on the other side… Read more »
FINE GAEL TD Michelle Mulherin dramatically ascended back into heaven this morning in front of hundreds of spectators claiming that her ‘work here was done’. The single forty-year-old explained to mere mortals yesterday that sex between an unmarried male and a female was the biggest cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland. She caused heated debate with her use of… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT announced today that all new water meters will include a ‘draw something’ app for the first one million lucky customers. Taoiseach Enda Kenny unveiled a prototype version of the new water measuring device this afternoon which has a circular 5 inch touch-screen display unit mounted on its head. The free gaming application will work in conjunction with the meters main goal… Read more »
A COUNTY Kilkenny woman is in fear for her life after a migraine led her to a Google search which then led her to a pain in the head search, which then lead her to search every possible condition on the internet, which then led her to pick out the worst one, a source close to… Read more »
