“Quick Help, I Pitched ‘Joanne McNally Handball Alley’ As A TV Show & It Got Greenlit But I’ve Never Met Joanne”

IN our latest entry of the WWN Voices series, we give a platform to people we really shouldn’t. This week is the turn of struggling freelance TV producer Catherine McDaid who fired off dozens of TV pitches to broadcasters and has now had one idea greenlit by RTÉ.

“Fuck, what was I thinking? I don’t know the woman. Never met her. But did I pitch a show like we were joined at the hip? Yes.

Seriously guys, I’m not joking, I need your help.

Like I don’t even know what the fecking format would be. Joanne refurbishes a neglected handball alley, breathing new life in a community in the process? Or is she a Wicklow fish out of water, learning how to play handball in the wilds of Monaghan? No, it’s a quiz show where celebs have to answer questions while playing handball? Or… Aaaah, Christ on a unicycle in a field of cow shite I’m in trouble.

Ethically speaking, it’s murky but I could just stitch together clips of Joanne from other TV shows and CGI in a handball alley in the background of every shot? This is typical, just after my parents had a go at me about getting a real career again, I’ve dumped myself into this mess.

Why do I constantly feel like the fucking wedgie lodged in the arsehole of humanity? But I’m not blameless, I knew what this white little lie would do, if Joanne was any more shit hot she’d be an elephant shite on a volcano. I knew RTÉ would give it the green light without hesitating or asking any follow up questions, and I still went ahead with the lie.

There’s got to be a cottage industry of McNally lookalikes at this stage? If you know anyone, we’ll carefully shot around the lookalike? Who am I kidding, this will never work. But what if I go ahead with it, and just insist Joanne is involved and film it without her anyway and then my resulting mental breakdown becomes like an art piece? Me talking to a Joanne doll made out of handballs. Maybe HBO would pick it up? A true story adaptation of it, Baby Reindeer style, ‘Handball Head The Ball’? Yeah that’s it, that’s the obvious solution!”