Ask Anne: “Help, I Review Pints Of Guinness Online & People Are Starting To Question Whether Or Not This Is Complete Bullshit”

OUR RESIDENT advice columnist Anne Trope helps readers with their dilemmas. This week Gavin shares his dilemma:

“I run a network of online social media pages across which I rate pints of Guinness, however this is meritless bullshit that I just pluck from my arse shortly before the Guinness shits are activated.

Initially no one was wise to my dastardly and underhanded scheme of securing brand partnerships, freebies and cushy gigs where I’m paid to sit in a pub and say ‘Hey, this is a pub and this is a pint of Guinness. Whopper!’ by the likes of Fáilte Ireland, but now somehow, implausibly, people may be beginning to realise they don’t need someone to tell them pubs serve Guinness. What ever shall I do?”

Speaking as someone in an eerily similar position as an advice columnist, we simply have no alternative Gavin but hunt down and permanently silence these people who would seek to unmask you as a sampler of Guinness. Sure, you could expend a ridiculous amount of time trying to convince them that there is a huge divergence in the taste of Guinness based on things like the piping, and distance from the keg to the tap but no one will by that utter wankology. No one with the ability to taste a Guinness themselves would ever be so foolish as to fall for such nonsense.

I propose that you give me the list of your detractors, and I give you a list of people who say ‘I bet that last problem in your column about the man who wanted to leave his wife to pursue life as a professional gimp was made up’ and we dispose of them. None of these crimes could be traced back to us. What evidence, other than this column in which I devised the plan, would the police have?

Let’s meet in Grogans tomorrow to discuss further, I’d suggest Kehoe’s but the Guinness is absolute muck there.