Man Arrested After Training Pet Parrot To Deliver Nihilistic Musings Which Lead People To Question Their Entire Lives

A DUBLIN man has been arrested for waging a campaign of subjecting the public to terrifying existential questions, using his pet parrot, Toby, as the messenger.

Jonathan Casserly (51) denies the accusations and insists his parrot speaking its mind should not result in his arrest.

“I’d be waiting for the bus and this cunt had his parrot perched on the window of his apartment screeching ‘eat right, exercise, doesn’t matter, you can’t outrun death’,” said one complainant, who alerted police to Casserly’s tutoring of Toby.

“‘Distract yourself but death is coming’, like I need a reminder of life’s futility, I work for the council,” offered another victim of Toby’s musing which led to people circling the plughole of their existence and questioning the point of it all.

Gardaí have yet to formally charge Casserly or Toby the parrot, but the Dublin man has been pleaded with to refrain from repeat instances.

“Parrots are smart birds, it’s a bigger crime to just teach Toby to say ‘Polly want a cracker’, why shouldn’t I read Nietzsche aloud to him? I’m breaking no law,” Casserly said, defending his actions.

“In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule,” added Toby.