Calculate: What Would You Be Worth In Today’s Premier League Transfer Market?

WHILE there’s no doubt there are many exciting talents making moves in the transfer market, the eye-watering, mind-boggling, spleen-shattering fees quoted for players whose first touch is so bad … has many people calling the whole market into question.

If Richarlison was mooted to be worth £35 million, then what would you be worth in today’s market? Using new football technology, WWN Sport has the answer:

Have at least two limbs including one leg? Add £2 million to your overall price tag.

Once sported one of those fade haircuts with a line shaved into it when you were a kid? Add £700k.

Own a pair of Adidas Predators? Add £200k.

Marginally faster than coastal erosion? Add £1.5 million.

Could finish between 43rd and 175th in a Julian Alvarez lookalike competition? £14 million.

Can lean convincingly against a goal post and duck when a header is coming right for you? Add £500k.

Know what the word rabona means but would end up in hospital with an eviscerated pelvis if you attempted it? Add £4 million.

Has anyone with a vaguely Italian accent ever uttered the words ‘here’, ‘we’ and ‘go’ within a five mile radius of you? £6 million.

Did you play at least 1 game in a jersey that is red, blue or light blue? Add £3 million.

Do you always shout and bark orders at teammates as a way to cover up for the fact you bring absolutely nothing to the team? Add £500,000.

Added yourself to an edition of Football Manager and stats-maxxed yourself so that you were a wonderkid? £6 million.

Do you wear your socks down by your ankles? £12 million.

What’s your total value?